March 1986
Demontreville Retreat Center, Lake Elmo, MN
Dear Linda,
I thought of you this morning during the chapel service and of your frequent requests, even pleas, that I share with you some of my thoughts about how we can make our marriage work better, how I can help you more, how I can adore and cherish you, and how I can give you the attention and affection you need. I thought I should use some of the free time here to write down some thoughts in that regard since I am not good at expressing them orally to you and since the pressures of day to day life for both of us make such communication difficult at best. These thoughts may ramble a bit and they will probably provide something of a map to the progress of the retreat.
I do intend to sign us up for the Marriage Encounter program because I enjoy having these experiences with you. Even though I seem to be most satisfied when I hunker down alone, I have found that, in the right circumstances, I really like opportunities to grow spiritually, psychologically, and emotionally with you.
The weather and locale here are quite conducive to a retreat. There is a light to medium dry snow that causes all beyond the middle distance to dissolve. The central buildings were designed by Bob Cerny’s office in a very tasteful and effective manner. The chief elements are high hipped roofs with redwood 1’x4’ board ceilings that rise up to the peak of the hip like the inside of a teepee. These are indirectly lit by fluorescent cove lights that provide an overall uplifting effect.
These tent like roofs are supported at their corners by limestone columns, and the intervening walls are substantially picture windows leading out to the bucolic landscape, predominated by very high and beautiful spruce trees. Because of the steep pitch of the roofs, the snow cascades off the wide overhangs of the roof in them, scrim like veils to further add to the theatrical effect of the setting. The only problem with the central buildings is the hodge podge of tasteless, nineteenth century religious art and artifacts that have been hung on the walls here and there. Otherwise the effect is quite Japanese.
The grounds were once the estate of the Waldorf family. They have some of the remote feeling of Gem Lake. It is really very pleasant to be in such surroundings and I am further resolved to try to get Gem Lake from Eunice. That would be a very nice gift for you and one which I am more able to give than a dress or other fashion article. I wrote a letter to Eunice before I came here asking for the key and telling of my work with Blake Davis. I will also send her a note from here raising the prospect of various approaches to ownership once we decide on a price.
The retreat master is the director of development at Creighton. He speaks of God and Jesus as God in anthropocentric terms that don’t do anything for me. Indeed, I continually think of refutations of what he is saying. He continues to make assertions (E.g. God knows the least sparrow that falls and the count of every hair on your head) and then asks rhetorically: “Do you believe that.” I keep waiting for someone to say “Are you kidding?” but everyone seems to be very much in the spirit of things.
While the conferences themselves are not as effective as they might be, the equal amount of free time for reading and reflection is quite useful. I am reading Viktor Frankl’s In Search of Meaning about his experiences in the concentration camps, a quite interesting set of commentaries on the old and new testament by a Jesuit by the name of Link – these would be good for the kids to read – and the bible and various Vatican II documents. They are fun to read in connection with Fritz’s confirmation exercises and I hope to be able to do a better of helping him work on his Statement of Faith as a result.
The only problem with all of this is that it runs the risk of being a rather dry, intellectual exercise rather than one that will improve me in my areas of greatest need – emotional and psychological development – especially the development and maturation of our relationship. That is why I think the Marriage Encounter experience will be a good one. Again, the leader there may be a flop – like the guy from U of M – but the experience with you will hopefully be a positive one. It seems that our love and relationship gets stronger as a result of such experiences. I hasten to acknowledge they are usually brought about by your prodding. Please do not give up hope.
I truly love you and enjoy growing old with you. We have so many shared experiences and you continue to come up with new ones – like the trip to Santa Fe – that I would truly feel it would be a great loss if one of us were to die or if we were to separate. (It is truly scary to even contemplate such separation).
I have been thinking a lot about where we are going with our lives, our work and our children. I think your idea about spending some years in service abroad to some cause is, as usual, a good one. The time is perfect for us now. Fritz could spend next year either with us or with Imms. Kristen could spend her senior year with Winthrops. I would have no real trouble leaving my practice and you would likewise be able to leave without too much trouble. We should definitely work up our resumés and send them to David. More than that, however, we should look seriously at some type of missionary (in a secular sense) work in Central or South America. Clearly this is a major focus of change and one into which we could jump with relative ease. Africa and the Middle East seem much more dangerous and difficult. We could study Spanish this spring to get ready and help KBH and FRH in the process. We should perhaps look for a Spanish speaking exchange student to live and speak with us. It is really exciting to think about doing this sort of thing with you and giving the kids a sense of service at the same time.
If we were to buy Gem Like we should perhaps sell the Edgcumbe house and look only to Gem Lake as the place to return to.
It is this type of goal setting and joint endeavor that we are uniquely able to do and which makes life with you so enjoyable. I hope we can do this sort of thing every 12-15 years. Thus we should do it again in our mid sixties. What we will do in between I’m not sure but I trust it will be similarly worthwhile and rewarding. Life is moving by too quickly not to seize the day and make the most of it.
(Perhaps we should look into the various Congregational Church missions and service bureaus that exist in South America. We would make a nice blend of Catholic/Congregationalist activists.)
Love,
Jack
August 27, 1986
Dear Linda,
As part of our 20th celebration, I want to tell you how lucky I feel being married to you and in looking forward to a new 20 years of life together. I am convinced that, through luck, or maybe hard work, or maybe cicadean cycles, we are about to launch into an entire new set of life experiences just as we did 20 years ago when we got married. I am also convinced that we will have as much fun and success this second time around because of your judgment, skill, energy and care. They were crucial before and they will be again.
Your judgment is marvelous to behold. It infuses your work, the wonderful way you work with the kids, and certainly your style of living. It has certainly been a wonderful help to me. I was again struck by its central role in the party in Santa Fe. As you know from the Thank You notes, everyone else was aware of it too.
Besides just the judgment and critical abilities with which you have been blessed, you have skill to realize that judgment and sense of quality. This competence really completes the package. It is what makes you such a good mentor and leader. I am always learning from your management abilities and people skills.
The thing that drives all of this to such levels of success is, of course, your energy. The prospect of traveling with you and the kids and taking advantage of all the adventure that will come to us is really exciting. Without your energy, we would never be able to make such a leap. Likewise it is your energy that keeps the whole family functioning. Thanks for doing everything you do.
Your care for me, the kids and the quality of our life together is the last wonderful thing you bring to the party. As you know, my threshold of concern about most things is not even in sight when you begin to care. Thank you again and again.
With all of these traits in full bloom (along with your full figure) I really look forward to a new 20 year period of fun, adventure, accomplishment and success. We have the chance to treat the next year as our last year in the old school and then it is off to a whole new life together. I love doing it with you. I love you.
Love,
Jack
February 16, 1987; 5:30 a.m.*
On the Nile
Dear Linda,
I have awakened in only slightly better condition than I was last night. I have lost all ability to be rational or fatalistic.* I love you so very much that even the remotest possibility that you might get sick has driven me to uncontrollable shudders. To try to keep my (our) minds off the possible negatives, let me try to describe for you the positives I see and love so much in you and our relationship.
Creativity- I have always loved you for your creative approaches to both serious and frivolous issues. This is the spark that sets our marriage apart (in whatever way people, or even we, think it is better than others). You are the source of that creativity and are the one who nurtures it in the children. Thank you.
Concern – You have always been the most concerned in the family about all of the small details that go to make our life so enjoyable. That runs from care about the small issues of neatness around the house through more significant issues like the children’s homework and grades to the large matters like South Dakota and our personal health. You are right to fault me in my lack of attention to the small details that can become so important. The irony is that I do look at a lot of small details but I sure can miss the important ones all too often.
Hard Work. You truly have carried more than your share of the load both at home and in terms of professional accomplishments. My work patterns were easy because they were pretty much set by the system and my training. You have always had to do more because of the way the system works and the way you are. It is that extra hard work on your part that has really made the difference for us. Thank you.
Love. You have always shown more love to all of us than we have shown to you. While we know we need to be more demonstrative in our love, we don’t do it, all the same. The lack of Valentine’s Day cards or letters is a good example. I resolve to use this scare – which I am confident will be no more than that – to provide the long term reminder of the need for me and the children to show you more often and more articulately how much we love you and how much you mean to us. Please help us.
Love,
Jack
*On our Nile boat cruise, Linda got an extreme case of food poisoning, leading to 3 days in boat’s infirmary…
Thanksgiving 1989
Jack is thankful for Linda because of the way she guards the hearth and maintenance and creates family traditions in the grand style of Penelope. I also appreciate her efforts on behalf of the kids in their search for the right college. She really is a wonderful guidance counselor who is willing to go beyond the good idea stage and make a real effort to help turn out a good product. She truly is an excellent producer in the Hollywood/Broadway sense – she has excellent judgment as to what is good, what will work, and the proper teams to do it. She then stays on top of the work to make sure it gets done. We can all learn lot from that.
Finally, I appreciate her willingness to take on new challenges like the book hook business. A toast to all of her new endeavors.
Dad