January 3, 1992
Dearest Linda,
When I came to bed I could not sleep because I was thinking how much I love you and how much I enjoy our life together. Then as I looked out the window and around at the shoji screens that I like so much I decided to get up and write this note to you because I didn’t want to wake you from such a sound sleep to tell you all of this.
We are really very lucky to have two wonderful children and these two lovely houses. But most of all I am the lucky one because you put so much effort into your Penelope role of maintaining the hearth and also nurturing the spirit of our family lie. Manny’s memorial service is just one, but a significant, example of how well you carry all of that off. Needless to say, I would not be able to do anything of the kind with your style and dedication. You really are a jewel and at the same time a very giving person. Thank you.
I also want to tell you how much I look forward to traveling with you to San Francisco and Japan. I think both of these trips, though short, will be very exciting. At the same time I am very excited and proud that you will be going to Viet Nam. Very few women would do such a thing and I hope you keep taking similar trips with Mary or whomever. I always felt bad that you had not been able to work in Moscow after Barnard. I still want to do the Eastern Europe thing with you before we get too old, remember. You would really contribute a lot to one of those countries and I think we should actively plan for such an adventure after you finish with the Forum.
We really do have a lot to give to other people and since we have the money to take the time to do so I think it would be a shame if we didn’t make a significant effort in that direction. I look at Alex and Miriam and think that we should affirm that we will be able to lead as active and productive lives as they have. With that as a goal, we can really make it happen.
I love you more each day and would like to keep firing that love with new adventures and mutual contributions to other people. You are really unique that way.
Love,
Jack
Valentine’s Day, 1992
Dear Linda,
On the eve of your departure for Vietnam I could not find any card that summed up both the love I feel for you as well as the admiration I have for everything you are doing … all of this tinged with a little concern that nothing happen to you on your trip. We really have had a wonderful life together and you have really made it unique. I can always come up with adventure but you are the one that brings the style and the caring to it all – this would be quite irreplaceable if you were to die. Since I seldom say anything like this, the time seems appropriate.
I look forward to the time we will have in Japan and, for the first time, I think, I will miss you while you are gone – even though it is for a relatively short period. The moral of all this is to be careful.
On the assumption that all will go without mishap, however, I have for you a book recommended by Brian Baxter for the plane as well as a beautiful book of nature photographs for when you return.
Love,
Jack
March 1, 1992
Dear Linda,
I woke up at 5 this morning and was really lonely for you and thought that I should use the time to write some of the ideas I had about you, our life together, where we go from here, and, finally, how much I like taking trips like this. Being in a foreign country, especially one with the aesthetic of a place like Japan, really opens up the mind to thoughts and conclusions that are not possible in the rush of daily work at home.
First, then, let me repeat that I really love you and look forward to the rest of our life together. I was reading about the life and teachings of Buddha and he was stressing the need to and his example of rejecting worldly desires in favor of a life of asceticism. Frankly, I found off putting the fact that he just up and left his wife. In my case, I see much more enjoyment, enlightenment, challenge and love in a life with you. I really look forward to this time when the kids are not with us to develop a second life together – this even though I am quite capable of carrying on alone. It is simply not as fulfilling to be alone.
The thing that I have always enjoyed in you is your judgment. That, of course, appears in questions of taste and style most often. I was in a Japanese craft shop yesterday and could not help but think how much I needed and relied upon your eye to spot the really nice little touches and objects to select what was important from the wealth of things on display. It is a real joy to live with you and your sense of taste and style. Thank you.
Yesterday I also spent several hours at a big display of home furnishings and appliances set up by National (Mitsushita). We will definitely want to go there together when we get back from Akita. They definitely have what I think should be the look for the bathroom. Everything is thought of in the scale of the room that we have. At the same time, it is impressive to see the breadth of the product line. It makes G.E. or Westinghouse look like small component suppliers. It would be or will be a big shock to these types of American manufacturers when the Japanese bring this style of retailing to the states. I heard a show on CBC the other night where they were interviewing a woman who is writing about J.P. Morgan and the generation of industrialists at the turn of the century. Her point was that there are many parallels between what the young American industrialists were doing to the British Empire then and what the Japanese are doing to the American Empire now. Certainly there is a disturbing implication in the dynamism and efficiency of this city and country and the end game going on in the U.S. even while we are the sole remaining superpower. I think we should talk about what this means for our lives personally. I would like to take some time with the people at Akita to compare notes on this. I think it can play a role in our decisions about what we do from here on. I would like to do something significant with our lives and talents and I believe these trends in the world economy should be kept in mind as we decide on a course.
Clearly the Buddha book provides some ideas as well in its stress on the impermanence of worldly things. I say this even as we have assembled a simply delightful house and cabin. I just don’t want to put so much effort into them so that we are not prepared to leave them and to seek new challenges. I don’t really mean to sell them necessarily, but to be able to take long trips, sabbaticals or accept assignments elsewhere as part of the adventure it is nice to leave the places somewhat uncompleted so that there is something to do when we return with new ideas and energy.
Finally, I want to tell you how proud I am of what you are doing at the Forum the aspect of “giving” that is involved in your work is clearly an important part of what we should be doing from now on. That is why I like helping the Hmongs and doing some of the other pro bono things you sometimes yell at me about. I am concerned that we should not put so much money into the houses so that they and the cost of maintaining them start to run us or at least strongly influence our decisions. I am ready to forsake all to follow you – just so you keep going places new and exciting.
Love,
Jack
February 4, 1993
Dear Jack,
Today, on your 51st birthday, celebrated together at Jackson Hole, I have lived with you for over 26 years, known you for over 30 years ad truly love you more today than ever. We have grown up together, grown closer together and will grow old together. Sadly, thought, we are probably at the half way mark of our lives together (assuming you live to 77 or 81), just as we are about at the 2/3 mark of our own lives.
So since we are both strong individuals (yes we do make a wonderful merger, as I’ve always said!) and since eccentricities seem to become more pronounced in our age, I think we must take care to be kind and sweet and gentle with each other. Remember in all couples, one does for the other what they want done for themselves. So please pay attention to me and hug and caress me a lot, bring me flowers, and tell me you love me. You can do none of these things too often! I, in turn, will try to be more steady and show less emotionalism. But we both much watch each other more carefully for the signs of need and the signs of stress. Please don’t yell or grab me (we have both gotten too physical at times). Only hug and caress.
You have been an exciting partner and we must remember to include the children whenever we can and when they are willing. I love the way they love you so much.
You have been a great adventurer and shown me more than I ever dreamed. You are my dream.
Love,
Linda
August 27, 1993
Dear Jack –
I love you so much and have had such a great 27 years of marriage with you. My only sadness is that we have probably had or soon will mark more than half of our married years in the past.
Therefore, we must continue to make those years ahead of us sweet, loving, caring … and flower filled.
All my love,
Snicker
October 13, 1993
Dearest Linda,
I really look forward to seeing you in Vienna and our little adventure in Slovakia. It is instructive to be without you as I really miss your touch – in several senses. When I am alone I find plenty to do and read, of course, but I miss your insight and ideas for activities. Even when you want to go to bed at 8:00 pm, you have a lot of ideas that cause me to think of new things we can do. I also miss just being able to hold hands with you and being in bed together by our beloved window. We really have a nice life and I hope we can keep it going on as exciting a pace. (When I tell people you are off to Albania they simply don’t know what to think except, in Philip’s phrase, to expect the unexpected.)
I hope you have had a good time on your part of the trip. I had lunch today with Fred and he was aghast at the $6,600.00 cost. I told him he had to be ready to pay that kind of money for high (or is it low) adventure and that he should get ready for more once he sells the business.
I am really sorry we have lost Mandu.* Sterling clearly is staying closer to home but there has been no sign of Mandu. I hope someone picked him up (so that he might yet be found) rather than have him dead – but I fear he probably got into a fight over his head with a raccoon or some such. It is clear he will not make it to the pound. Someone will keep him first.
We really do have a nice house and you have decorated it very beautifully. It is a great pleasure to come home to it. I just wish the bath wouldn’t cost so much. It is nice to give you a counter-current pool but I am still not satisfied with the exterior design and therefore I think we should make sure we have it right before we spend so much. I apologize for not getting over to meet with Ralph (Rapson) but I have been working for Gossett to get the new Greentree business into the building and therefore have been very busy just trying to get everything done before I leave.
Here’s to a fun time in Vienna and points West. I love you and love to travel with you.
Love,
Jack
*We eventually learned that a neighbor on Edgcumbe Place was trapping raccoons with cat food; Mandu was trapped and put down by Animal Control. Such a waste…and loss.
December 16, 1994
Dear Linda,
I keep thinking of the “Country Dance of Mozart,” the light touch, now facing, now back-to-back – that has always been my vision of our relationship. I guess you feel I’m not even dancing to the beat, however. I’m sorry if that is the case and I will try to do more than hum the tune in my head.
The truth is I do enjoy humming the tune and dancing the dance in my head because I like dancing with you through life. I am very proud of you and all that you have done outside of our home as well as the wonderful things you have done as Penelope inside of our home. Your little (and big) rituals are really quite important for all of us. Perhaps we don’t thank you enough because we expect them to continue because of their very ritualistic nature and your dependability.
I thank you and love you for all of that and the other things you worry about to boot. Many things I don’t worry about because of two things – I honestly don’t think they will be problems and, if they do become problems, you will have worried about them enough to take care of them. Besides belittling your first type of worries I should thank you for your second type of worries.
I will try harder to thank you and tell you I love you and what you are doing. I cannot promise that I will worry sooner or take problems as seriously as you. But I certainly do not want you to feel that your efforts and concerns go unnoticed even though they may go uncommented upon.
You are a unique and talented-in-a-rare-way as well as beautiful person whom I really love being with and around. I will never be able to fully appreciate your self-doubts because I really see only your success, ability, and positive traits. You are one of a kind and a jewel worth keeping safe and polished. I will try harder to do both.
Love forever,
Jack
February 25, 1995
Dear Linda,
In anticipation of your return from Tonga and in lieu of the Valentine’s celebration we missed while you were gone, please take this as a few of the thoughts about you while you were gone. First, I am really proud of what you do and are able to do on trips like these. I was reading some put down by a New Yorker about people living in provincial capitals and I couldn’t help but think of how cosmopolitan you are and what a wide range of friends and contacts you have all over the world. You have truly made St. Paul a capital for contemporary composition. Keep it up – we all love you for it.
I have also been thinking how important the Twin Cities is to the various things we are doing. Even if we are to spend substantially more time in Santa Fe or elsewhere, I think we need to keep at least one part of our base of operations here. I really prefer the round the world travel option to owning another house.
I have been talking to both Fritz and Kristen while you have been gone and I think they are unlikely to move back here in the next ten years. We should really think about a Grand Canyon trip with them next summer – perhaps when we are going to be in Santa Fe.
In any event, it will be nice to have you home. We have all missed you.
Love,
Jack
August 27, 1995
Dear Linda,
Taste; intelligence; beauty; these are your three attributes that I salute when I toast you in return. But in addition, there is a fourth attribute which really goes best with the delightful marriage which you hold so dear – that is your constant concern about the matters of the hearth that goes so far to make a wonderful family. You truly are a classic Penelope and I, as well as the children (to say nothing of my entire family), would really miss that the most if you were gone. Thank you for all of your efforts and concerns. It really does make our marriage one of the best.
Love,
Jack
February 4, 1996
Dear Jack,
I just sorted through the various photos and clippings from your Mother, many formed on your youthful accomplishments (which are quite impressive) and thought what a good father you are. Why the relation? Because you have always accepted the children for who they are, and have cheered them on from whatever level they are on … not comparing them to and what you were doing at their age, and what you thought they should be doing. I know they sense your genuine pleasure with them (except when you make Kristen nervous!) it is your style that got Fritz through the last 5 years, and up to where he’s performing well on his own. Yes, Virginia, there is a reason for two parents.
Another thought I had as I perused the photos was how we have together improved on our own families (even if I do say so myself!). We have shared similar values, explored and enhanced them: community service, (1) family, the arts, travel, books and a certain ‘style’ (enhanced by working with so many artisans). We have both moved at such a rapid rate that I think that we must make time and make and enjoy some tender personal moments – particularly since it’s just us two a fair amount of the time. Despite your lack of openness and affection when you met me, we have known each other for 33+ years so you can trust me (1) with more signs of tenderness – words and physical touching. You see how he cats get when they’re alone too much ….
So what’s next? I remember when we were first married and your mother sent you a birthday card for your 25th birthday. She remarked that no matter what you had already done, only the next 25 years counted! Whew – we’re through with that (and done okay).
At age 54, I think you need to set up for our old age – intellectually. I would like to see you find a new project or interest and explore it passionately. (I think you should also find a way to make your law work more productive and satisfying). I think Riverfront was a fine project and I admire you for sticking it out for the City’s sake, but it has too many frustrations, past (publicity), present (Patrick) and politics (Mayor). You will never get the credit you deserve, and indeed, I think we are still tainted by it (I feel categorized with John Rupp and SPAC … the city needs it, but the doer is suspect. Time will not heal this wound, which is really unfortunate.
I really love you and enjoy most of the daily challenges of living with you … primarily the intellectual ones. You are a good, dear, selfless person and as your P.R. handler, I want to see you get the recognition you deserve!
I love you so much.
Linda
May 4, 1996
Dear Linda,
It is Saturday morning in Vancouver with you in Cleveland – it causes me to think about how much I like to take trips like our pre-concert trip to Seattle. We have been very lucky in our lives – especially our life together. These little run-outs are particularly spicy when they leave enough extra time to do a little touring like this trip to Vancouver.
In anticipation of Mother’s Day I would like to thank you for all you have done – and still do – for the kids. There can be no question that they are doing well in no small part because of your concern, attention and efforts – even though all three of us sometimes would like to have you a little less concerned. All in all, we will be able to muddle through now that you have provided us all with such a good foundation. You really give everyone, not just the kids, a very high standard and example to match. While trying at times, it is really obvious when I am alone like this how much we would miss it and you if you were gone. Please take this somewhat formal accolade as an aspect and expression of my love.
Vancouver is a fantastic city. Seeing it reinforces my view that we should be spending more time in Canadian cities – both because they are so delightful and because they show how American cities could be with some changes in approach. Vancouver is only ¾ the size of the Twin Cities but it looks like (and acts like) a place twice as large and vibrant. The cosmopolitan aspects of the place probably could not be matched under any circumstances, but it has a lot of other aspects that could make a real model for us.
Clearly the Riverfront Corporation should organize a trip for CEO’s and others to Vancouver to start setting their sites at a much higher plane. Similarly, Jungle ought to organize a ski trip to Whistler – it would be a really pleasant change from the usual Europe trip. We should also try a driving trip to Calgary and Edmonton – though it does not look like this summer is the time to do it with all the other traveling we have planned. You can tell, however, that I can’t wait to hit the road with you again.
I particularly look forward to what you will be able to do with the U.S. Delegation when you take over – it will be exciting to see you work your magic with that group as you have done with the Forum. It has the potential of being a significant international network and there is no one better than you to run it. I will be happy to help, however I might. Perhaps that effort can be the focus of whatever around the world trip we take in a few years.
All of this says I love you and look forward to our next twenty years together – after that I will renew the vow or get ready to amend it – not because of you but because of the vagaries of age.
Love,
Jack
February 4, 1997
As you travel down the highway of life, at 55, a moderate speed at a moderate stage of live (for a guy who always chanted “All things in moderation”)
- Increase your ability to take praise gratefully and thankfully
- Slow down your assuming the problems of others while still encouraging them on (delegate, delegate)
- Steadily accelerate your vegetarian palate and regular exercise
- Step up your affectionate words and actions to your co-pilot
- Brake once in awhile to savor your good fortune and put yourself on the beach.
I have now known you for 35 years – may we have another 30 to 35 (as long as you’re not grumpy and I’m not goofy).
Love
Linda
December 23, 1997
Dear Linda,
It is really great to see how much good you are doing and to tell you how much I love you and the chance to live with you. You are a terrific buddy and a marvelous leader for our immediate and extended families. You have set a wonderful standard of style and caring that has really polished and deepened all of us. We are both proud of and prodded by you. We marvel at your energy, enthusiasm and attention to detail. We know you are intelligent but we are amazed by your empathetic communication skills.
It is a pleasure to be able to tell people like the Varcos about everything you are doing at the Forum, the Delegation and your other boards. It is wonderful to hear people like Rudy, Jon Deak and Tom Holloran speak so highly of your contributions to their lives and work. You certainly are a rare creature.
Best of all have been the chances we had this year to travel together to some of your Chapter meetings. I really enjoyed that and look forward to more such quick trips.
You are doing wonderful things and I hope that you will continue to be able to do them for a long time to come. It is a pleasure being able to give away the time and money that we do. I enjoy being able to do this with you and that you are not insecure about our wealth and what you will need to live. As long as we keep our personal expenditures in line, we’ll have plenty of money to give away and use to help others.
We have been very lucky and I hope that our children will do as well. I certainly think that they can but thank you for all the help you give them with your little coaching. It is great the way you can and do talk to them.
We all love you and appreciate everything you do around the house. Jay just commented on how finished and complete it now looks – he gives it a full 10. He especially like the flooring in the kitchen.
Keep it up – we love it and we love you.
Love,
Jack
July 19, 1998
Lovely Linda,
You truly do look beautiful and you are right that you would make me – as well as anyone else whose arm you graced – look successful. Better yet, you remain an inspiration for both women and men with your energy, style and accomplishments. You retain the vigor of someone fifteen years your junior. Your sense of style is quite unerring and unique at a time when so many busy women are tempted to turn to Ralph Lauren or the like for guidance. Your accomplishments are truly national in significance and I am proud to be able to tell people like Lamar Alexander about them.
It is a pleasure living with you and sharing the excitement of these coming years. I love you more than ever and enjoy having you on this pedestal of accomplishment. Best of all, I enjoy the pace of our life and the ability we have to travel, discover and then share what we have found with others. Keep up the good work.
Love,
Jack
Christmas, 1998
Dear Linda,
As I have had some time to think about both Christmas and our life together this year during my recuperation, I would like to share a few of those thoughts with you in lieu of a more tangible gift. First, I really enjoy what you have done with the house. It is a wonderfully enjoyable place – especially as the gardens continue to take shape. This is really good work and a real credit to your wonderful good taste. I look forward to adding the rocks we have spoken of for Kristen’s garden – it makes the downstairs bedroom all the more enjoyable! It is a real pleasure to show people like Rudy’s kids through the place – it really has some very subtle touches … all because of you.
While it is enjoyable living in this house with you, it is also enjoyable joining you on your ACF trips. Those short runouts are really a delightful chance to enjoy other cities in a cosmopolitan way. You are both an actor in the local scene as well as a visitor. It is a pleasure to see you bring to them your ideas, insights and enthusiasm. They are clearly catching, and it is nice to see your influence for good.
Your Penelope qualities continue to keep the house and its traditions alive while your sense of celebration for the commissions we give to others, make for a wonderful sense of belonging to something special – few others have that ability, and it is wonderful that you are willing to share it so widely.
For all of this and more I love truly and thank you for all you do and are. Merry Christmas – it’s been a wonderful life.
Love,
Jack
February 3-4, 1999
Dear Jack,
On the eve of your 57th birthday I want to try to tell you how much you mean to me and how much you have always meant to me. I try to do this verbally, but I know how much you resist adulation, so I’m unsure what you really hear and internalize.
I write this letter with tears in my eyes because I want you to understand how much I want you to live with me to the end of our natural lives (which can be prolonged and improved with good with good health habits and mind-stimulating activities). Over the past year you keep talking about ‘checking out’ at age 75 – which I have begged you to do no more. All these joking threats of yours heighten my anxiety that I will be abandoned by you – an unfortunately consistent theme of our relationship. I then find myself trying to pull away from you in order to protect and prepare myself. And this is not good for our ongoing relationship because I become tougher and more resentful of all the past hurts you silently watched me endure over the years … hurts from your family.
I know that as you witness your mother’s declining competence, amidst her family’s history of senility, you fear for yourself. But remember, you are your father’s child, too, so mental incapacitation is not inevitable.
Please by my partner forever. I was smitten by you at our freshman mixer, and loved your dating ideas and originality. I found you a bit too mercurial that first year, in that you always slipped way emotionally whenever I got close. My sophomore year, so tough for me at Trinity where I felt out of place in a foreign culture I didn’t expect, was made heavenly by you. I loved you at the Christmas dance and I have never stopped loving you since then. Junior year you raised my anxiety by wanting me to date others – I hated it. And I have never regretted marrying you after graduation.
Jack, you gave me breath and breadth. I grew up in such claustrophobic surroundings, with various experiences, fear, emotional instability tempered by warmth and closeness. I always felt I was marking time. You have helped me invent the life I always wanted. Thank you forever.
I, in turn, have tried to take your stunted emotions and tease them out; to temper your practical jokes and dismissive humor, so that you could accept love and closeness. I know how much you need me and our wonderful children to keep you human(e) and to revel in life’s feelings, not just in life’s experiences (which you have always done – the latter).
We are good for each other, and we need each other to keep growing and flourishing. You are my life’s partner and I want it to be long. Besides, with our children’s delays in marrying and childbearing, we need you to record and tell the family stories as they (the grandkids) mature. (I’ll do the albums.)
You mother’s accident can provide us both with healing opportunities which we should embrace and explore. Her status is also shifting the power balance in your family, so we must be wary and considerate, less power struggles and fights erupt. I will try to heal from my debilitating resentment of your parents’ wounds on me. And you can maybe come to emotional terms with your mother’s lifelong resistance/rejection of you.
I’m excited by our family foundation and the possibilities of legacy creation and personal definition and growth it offers Kristen, Fritz and Julia. We are so lucky to have such fine, thoughtful, loving children. You’ve been a great father and they, particularly Fritz, still need you.
I look forward to ‘Zenning down” our lives … simplifying and perhaps adding more meditation courses.
How fortunate and blessed we have been! I love you and need you. I have truly mated for life.
With love,
Linda