Spreading Jack’s Ashes on the Moss

With Jack’s death we faced a whirl of rapidly changing, occasionally destabilizing situations. Fortunately, we had a series of mitzvahs, unexpected blessings, that allowed all our immediate family to gather informally and say goodbye, in ways Jack had wanted.

One particular grace allowed our family, now numbering 7, to gather on Monday afternoon, June 27, laud Jack verbally, and honor his request to spread some of his ashes on the moss in our Japanese garden, moss that Jack had gathered, planted, weeded, and nurtured. Pulling it off was a minor miracle!

When Jack died the night of Wednesday, June 22, the Cremation Society picked up his body about 11:30PM, after each grandson had had the chance to lie separately with him, our children anointed him with frankincense, and we toasted our pater with shots of limoncello (Jack decided that in the afterlife we would all meet on a rooftop deck in Rome and drink limoncello together.).

The next day the Society promised the ashes would be returned on Tuesday. No problem, we would all be here. On Sunday evening, June 26, Clay artist Richard Bresnahan, and spouse, Collette,  had driven from St John’s University to our home to help me choose the best urn (of 5) to embrace Jack’s ashes. They cleared space on the library shelf, Jack’s room, the room in which Jack had died but was now emptied of hospice equipment and re-assembled with Jack’s Nakashima furniture.

That Sunday night Fritz got a text that he would have to fly to Cincinnati late Monday afternoon (not the planned Friday exit) for his work/training as a newly minted airline captain. Nuts! I told Fritz that I thought it important that the boys get some closure with ash-spreading, since they were to leave for camp soon and Fritz would not be able to return for some time. Fritz generously agreed.*

Mid-morning, Monday, I got a surprise call from the Cremation Society notifying me that Jack’s ashes were ready a day early! Fritz and I drove to Minneapolis to get them (two boxes worth: the Society said that Jack died so quickly that he had lost little bone mass); I called Kristen to gather her family and meet us in the garden early afternoon so we could do a brief ceremony.

Fritz and I put the ‘cremains’ into the Bresnahan urn. I grabbed our lovely hand-crafted wood tray and in it placed the 8 shot glasses that Jack had collected on German trips (mit Henkel): touristy, fine at the cabin but not in our Japanese touched home. I half-filled each shot glass with cremains and carried the urn and tray to the machiai, our garden shelter and family ceremony center and place of pet burials.

The impromptu ceremony and its aftermath were seamless and heartfelt-- as if we had planned this key event for a long time.

When we were all gathered in and around the machiai on that perfect-weather day,

--I first explained the making of and imagery of the Bresnahan urn,

--the grandsons played the Bach Double-Violin Concerto, Jack’s requested serenade (that the boys had performed for him at a home concert a couple of weeks before Jack’s death and throughout his hospice)

--we each spoke about Jack’s importance to us, with much love and some gentle humor

Each of us then took a shot glass of ashes (to be kept as a souvenir) and sprinkled each on the many moss patches. We had a buffet dinner on the deck and greeted our Papa in his empty wooden chaise.

Fritz donned his uniform with his new captain’s stripes (we applauded), and he and Juli left for the airport about 4pm (Fritz to Cincinnati, Juli to Pensacola).

We cleaned up and I went for a tender walk with Jack O’Brien.

The next day it rained, soaking the gray ashes into the bright green moss. That summer the moss was the most sumptuous ever—just about perfect! Thank you, Jack.

 – L.L.H.

*Jack was clear that the boys should continue with plans for camp, since they had been so intensely involved with his decline and death for over a year. He wanted them to heal and recover as much as possible. Moreover, Philip Brunelle was in Europe until mid-July. So with Fr. Kevin McDonough’s guidance we set the funeral for August 22, rather than sooner. Kevin counseled that with Covid all conventional beliefs of when one should have a funeral after a death no longer held. The timing was perfect, as it turned out, in so many, many ways.